Hereafter I shall be known as the crazy gnat lady.

Out of all the things I dislike about living here, the humidity, enduring the Wisconsin winters (or as Patrick Rothfuss puts it, “living in Satan’s asscrack”), the fact that fresh seafood is 3 – 5 times more expensive than in dessicated Las Vegas, the lack of good restaurants, fresh food spoiling twice as fast as in dry climes … the bugs trump all of these things.

Maybe not the lack of good restaurants. I’m on the fence about that.

The bugs are big here. The bugs are plentiful here. I am obsessed with the eradication of all organic life forms within the sanctity of my abode (save Schmoops, he can stay). I run a clean ship, because good food can’t be created in a dirty kitchen, but THESE GNATS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. These things will subsist forever on one drop of water and one crumb from the toaster. They are a Plague.

But let’s see them get in now. I’ve sealed the edges of my screen door with wide swaths of masking tape. I’ve armed myself with a full can of Raid (tailored for flying insects). I bought a 3 ft x 3 ft piece of fiberglass screen mesh and have seamlessly secured it over the air conditioner. The war is ON.